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Xicrog
Joined: 05 Feb 2007
Posts: 229
Location: With these wings, I'll set the world on fire
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 Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 4:09 am Post subject: |
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And I finally stop procrastinating and review for once. ._.b
For what it's worth, I really did enjoy the first two chapters.  You're an extremely talented writer. Normally, I don't like more description-heavy writing (my personal preference and personal style is minimalistic) but your's doesn't bother me at all; the description feels like it really has a point, and doesn't interrupt the flow at all. ^_^
Interesting...I wonder what happened in the italicized part? Somehow I don't think it was supposed to be just a dream. :/ I've got some ideas. They don't seem very plausible, but oh well. ^^; So far the possibilities I can think of are either alternate universes or time travel or something.
Hanera's quite an enigma...wonder what she is and where she came from? And perhaps more importantly why.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to more. ^_^ (And sorry it took so long to post this given how short it is...)
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chocobit
Joined: 07 Mar 2008
Posts: 117
Location: Eternis
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 4:26 am Post subject: |
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| Xicrog wrote: | | Normally, I don't like more description-heavy writing (my personal preference and personal style is minimalistic) but your's doesn't bother me at all; the description feels like it really has a point, and doesn't interrupt the flow at all. ^_^ |
That's always something that's worried me about my writing, is that at times I can get too carried away, I'm always afraid I'm gonna lose people's attention. I'm glad that this isn't the case with everyone, though.
And now I'm curious what your conspiracy theories are about the italicized text. Praytell >3
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chocobit
Joined: 07 Mar 2008
Posts: 117
Location: Eternis
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 9:11 am Post subject: |
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Whee, double-posting. Chapter three is pretty much done (written in one sitting, dear God), I just have to put the finishing touches on it. I should have it out by Friday <3
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Roadie
Joined: 05 Jan 2007
Posts: 12035
Location: Montana
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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lololol sorry it took me so long to finally comment. </3
The story's good so far--the long paragraphs looked a little daunting at first, but your descriptions aren't overwhelming and the style flows well. 
Your characters all seem really fun--I kind of think my favorite might turn out to be Nera, actually.
The italicised bit earlier...I think I'm pretty sure I know who Liane was talking to.  I'm not sure why Liane would have a dream like that...I almost want to say it was prophetic, or maybe he was somehow influenced by another force? I guess I'll find out later.
Great work.
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Toku
Joined: 08 Dec 2007
Posts: 2274
Location: ★NO RUNNING →
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 6:17 pm Post subject: |
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Awesome, another chapter! I was kinda bummed when you stopped writing for a while!
Usually, over descripted writing tends to bog down and makes me really, really bored. However, your writing doesn't...uh...bog down...(ugh, how eloquent...) Your style flows really nicely but I guess I'm confused about the italicized section. I guess it's just me although I have theories...
Nera makes me smile. She is so mysterious that it's cute.
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chocobit
Joined: 07 Mar 2008
Posts: 117
Location: Eternis
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 8:01 pm Post subject: |
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| Roadie wrote: | The story's good so far--the long paragraphs looked a little daunting at first, but your descriptions aren't overwhelming and the style flows well.
Your characters all seem really fun--I kind of think my favorite might turn out to be Nera, actually. |
haha, it did take you a while to comment! What? Two months? lol
I'm glad you like my writing style. Like I've said before, I was afraid that it might be a little overwhelming for the people here, but I've been getting a lot of comments like yours, so I guess that's not the case.
And between you and me, I think Nera's slowly becoming one of my favourite, too. xD
| AbyssPurple wrote: | | Awesome, another chapter! I was kinda bummed when you stopped writing for a while! |
Yeah, it was weird, getting writer's block after the first chapter. I don't know what happened with that. But I'm back, and I'm gonna do my best to keep on a regular update schedule!
And on that note, I have another chapter for you all today! I ended it in a completely different place than I expected to, so I might just do a double-update this next week with two chapters, as 4 is gonna be short (so I can keep with the flow, it's going to just be the stuff that didn't make this chapter). I actually had a lot of fun writing this one!
Just a note for everyone, so it's not so confusing, the first half is a back-track, in case you were all curious what happened to Nera in the time between Liane leaving and coming back to get her. Hope you enjoy! <3
CHAPTER THREE
Watching the one known as Liane bolt off, Nera couldn’t help but tilt her head inquisitively, wondering just where he was going. Coat still rested limply across her shoulders, she pulled it closer around her, standing up and following him with her eyes until he broke through the tree line. Taking a few steps forward, a frown painted plainly on her darker face, she drew her lips gently into a line, letting her delicate hands cup the jewel at her chest and eyes falling to it.
Urd, where is he going?
There seems to be a village nearby. I would guess that that is where he is headed. A voice answered her back in her mind, the blue stone pulsing a few times in her hands.
Nodding gently, the pale-haired girl looked down, morose. A town... She repeated in her mind to Urd. We… shouldn’t be here right now, should we? Brow drawn together, she stared in the direction that Liane ran off to, curiosity tugging at her. They should be moving, she knew, but somehow she wanted to see what sort of place the boy had gone off to, what the towns were like in this part of the world. Still, there was that nagging reminder that they were there on borrowed time, that every moment they lingered could be their last. Urd? She asked again.
Waiting for a response, she was left empty-handed, and heaving a sigh, Nera let her hands fall to her side, eyes closing. It would seem that she was getting the silent treatment, although for how long it was hard to say. Urd was not a talkative one to begin with, merely piping in when it felt necessary, or when she asked for guidance. She had a theory why, but the two had not been together long enough—that she could gather—to really tell if it was true or not. Besides, did stones sleep? The idea seemed silly, but it would have explained the sudden lapses of silence that the two shared, mostly from Urd’s side. Managing a smile at the thought of a sleeping stone, she gave another look toward the woods, wondering if he was coming back.
“I’ll be right back.”
She hoped that he would come back…
Hanera. We should leave. Urd urged her, breaking the silence. I feel something here. I think we may have been followed…
Face suddenly growing grave, the girl nodded, looking about. While she would have preferred to have waited for the one calling himself Liane, it couldn’t be helped; if they were found here, the two of them wouldn’t be the only ones in trouble. Subconsciously pulling the coat given to her around her tighter, she was stopped by a somewhat scolding Urd.
Best leave that behind as well. Act as if we were never here.
Blinking a few times, hands still holding the collar of the jacket, she looked down at it. Urd had a point, so slipping it from her shoulders, she draped it once over her arm before setting it down on the docks. Once her hand touched cool, slightly damp wood, she stopped, hearing a very distinct creak, feeling the dock shudder below her. Crying out, she felt Urd hot against her chest and jumped back, landing unsteadily on two feet, using her hand as a brace to keep from falling. Quickly standing upright, she felt the stone, warm against her torso, pulsing with her own heartbeat. Lilac-coloured eyes focused intently on the water, she started to move into a more accommodating position, right foot placed slightly behind, body slightly turned and one hand held palm-forward in front of her, the other held straight out toward Urd. Watching as something black bubbled to the lake surface, it clung to the top of the water like oil, undulating and collecting toward one centralized nucleus. Watching as it slowly started to rise from the water, she took in a deep breath.
Here it comes!
“Confuto!” Voice ringing through the air, all sound stopped, the silence deafening in her ears, yet all too familiar. Feeling it stem from the stone at her chest, she felt the barrier close around her, surrounding the woods and most of the lake in a bubble, the world going silent, time seeming to stop. The oily creature, which sprung from the depths, shot through the dock, shattering it into far too many pieces to put back together again. Blacker than the night itself, the only thing distinguishable about it was its eyes, like two fiery opals set inside of a pool of tar, dripping down onto the earth and sizzling with each drop. Held fast, it did not move, time seeming to stop at her beck and call; yet it still saw her, hatred and lust burning in those magic-made eyes that did not see for themselves, but for another. Right hand held out toward it, fingers spread out as far as they could possibly go, her fingers bent slightly, and her face showed some strain; It’s still moving! Urd! What is this thing?! Her mind turned in a panic, watching those long, almost arm-like tendrils drip.
A Class-D being of some sort, nothing I know from looking at it. Quickly, bind it and run. I can cover our footsteps.
Wincing under the strain, watching as its form started to slowly inch back into motion, the barrier she created starting to crack. Keeping her eyes on the tar-monster, her left hand started to inch slowly away from the stone at her chest, with it a string of light following her index and middle fingers. Curling up her hand and around her arm, it stopped at her shoulder, hand still moving away from the stone. A trail of faint blue light still extending from her two fingertips, it glowed brighter the further she moved her hand way from her torso, pulling the rope-like light taut. Finally unable to extend her hand any further, she hesitated for a second, her right hand twitching, and the bubble around them cracking even further. “SCINDO! COHIBEO!” Whipping her left hand in the air, the rope of light unraveled from around her arm, flying faster than she could see. Time suddenly starting to accelerate back to normal speed, the tar-monster lunged forward, with what Nera could only guess was its mouth wide open, giving way to the abyss. Watching as the little string of light darted through him, she felt the thing scream more than she heard it, watching it split in two and, with it, the light divided, wrapping around either piece and thrust it back into the water from which it came. Watching the thing, now barely twitching, sink into the cool lake, she waited until she could no longer see it before lowering her left hand, right closing.
The soft rumble in the distance slowly matriculated back, the barrier shattering like broken glass, each piece hitting the ground and sparkling out of existence. Eyes closing and a relieved sigh escaping her, Nera let her posture slacken, feeling the distinct tingle of mana coursing through her. Urd still pulsed at her chest, matching her own thumping heart, but no longer threatened to sear at her skin underneath her clothes. This is why we keep moving. Urd reminded her with a gentle, reassuring pulse.
An absent, somewhat tired nod followed, her eyes still focused on the water, paranoid that that thing would jump up and have them both again. That was absurd of course, but to her befuddled mind completely possible. The adrenaline high starting to run down, Nera felt the rush of fatigue wash over her like a tidal wave. Still, she pressed forward, starting to walk, taking no note of the fact that the world around her was shifting slightly as well. Urd was doing its work, the dock slowly rebuilding itself from mere splinters, footprints, small pools of tar-like substance, all of them being swept away. Even the jacket, floating on top of the water, moved with some sort of urgency, moving back to the spot which Liane left the mysterious girl, thrown somewhat unceremoniously to the ground. Even the footsteps that she took toward the woods were blown away as if they never existed—and by all rights, they didn’t. Still, it seemed that with every step, the more tired she became, and it got harder and harder to keep trudging forward. Not able to take it anymore, she finally crouched down on her knees, letting a nearby tree be her support, and closed her eyes, giving in to the temptation of sleep.
The sound of hooves on cobblestone woke her up with a start, and the girl jumped, eyes assaulted by the sudden flood of light. A hand hovering over her face, she groaned gently, turning away from the sun in the hopes that that would lessen the blow; if only. Her body ached, and she wasn’t sure what time it was, nor how long she had managed to sleep, if at all. Still, despite the stiff joints, she felt refreshed. Urd?
Ah, good to see you up. Urd’s cheery voice piped in as Nera rubbed the sleep from her eyes. I was worried that I pushed you too hard. Without waiting for an answer from its companion, the voice continued. Everything has been taken care of. I would suggest we stop for provisions then get this village behind us. We have a lot of travelling ahead of us, and I for one would not like a repeat of last night.
Eyes finally starting to focus, she noticed that she was much closer to the town than she had originally anticipated, seeing the outline of the back of a building not too far from where she sat. Smelling the faint scent of rotting eggs, she wrinkled her nose, standing up and starting to walk. The smell growing ever-stronger as she headed toward the building, she caught sight of a large basin sitting there, a clothes line hanging between two trees, dark indigo and heavy violet cloths draped over it. Creeping over, she reached the basin first—the source of the horrible smell—and looked into it, face reflected back in the blue-black liquid. Eyes scanning the clothes line, she spied a treasure of a find and, walking over to it, grabbed the violet-coloured cloak. Good, it’s dry.
You’re not going to—
Pulling it from the line, she threw the cloak over her head, letting it fall to her ankles. Bringing her hands behind her to free her hair, she was satisfied with the find and, as quietly as she could she snuck off.
That would be called stealing, you know. Urd remarked dully.
Sticking out her tongue, Nera waved her hand in the air, making her way into the crowd of people moving this way and that. I’ll return it, don’t worry. I’m just borrowing it for now. …And don’t try and stop me from returning it.
I had no intention of stopping you. The stone answered back skeptically.
A smile crossing her face, Nera sighed contently. Well good. She nodded. A thought suddenly popped in her head however, and that cheery look quickly fell away as she listened to the people around her carry on. They spoke the same way that Liane had the night before, and even with his somewhat slow attempts to help her understand, she only caught a few words here and there. In this jumble of conversation, she felt dizzy, everything sounding like a garbled mess. Ahh, I can’t understand a word! How am I supposed to get anything for the trip? Ruffling her hair, she started to panic, head lowered, trying to think, trying to sort out even a little of what she heard, as much of a futile effort as that may have been. Colliding head-first into someone’s chest didn’t help much either, Nera shooting up to stare straight into the face of an older gentleman, his beard well-trimmed and dressed in a gray-coloured suit of some kind. He looked quite important.
Holding his hands out, he managed to catch her before she tumbled—and before she could run away in embarrassment—and rambled something in that odd tongue, concerned. Blinking a few times, she stared blankly up at him as he held her shoulders. Pulsing once under her cloak, Urd chimed in; He wants to know if you’re all right.
Nera blinked. You know what he’s saying?
Somewhat. Another reassuring pulse. Just say what I tell you and you should be fine. Hmm, I hope I have this right.
Taking a deep breath, Nera repeated what she was told. “Nera is all right. Thank you. Excuse me, but could you tell me where I can find the nearest inn?” She lumbered through the message, hoping that Urd hadn’t just led her completely astray.
Letting go of her shoulders, the older man gave her a smile. “Not from around here, huh?” Nera shook her head. Putting a hand again on her shoulder, he used the other to point to the side. “See that building with the huge hanging sign? The one with the red letters on it? That’s Malone’s place. They’ll help you out. Was that all you needed?”
Face lighting up when Urd gave her the news, she nodded vigorously. “Yes. I can find where I go from here. Thank you for helping Nera.” And with that, she gave him a bow, the man chuckling and heading on his way. Waving once she stood upright, feeling quite accomplished with herself, she started to walk toward the building with the red letters on it. Feeling a tug at her mind however, the girl stopped, blinking.
Keep moving. Urd instructed her. And try not to act alarmed. You are being followed.
* * *
Liane felt like he was staring at a dream, eyes unable to leave the mysterious girl from the night before, standing in the middle of the town square. He hadn’t imagined it! There she was, standing in broad daylight for all to see, and it took everything to keep the brunette from running up to her; he did pinch himself, though, and with a jump saw she was still there. Stepping away from the wall, his eyes stayed on her, feet acting with a mind of their own. She was walking away, and he wasn’t about to let her simply disappear again (for one, he had to prove to Finley that he wasn’t stark raving mad after making him stay and try to find the ‘amazing disappearing lass’ as the blond put it). Breaking through the layer of people moving this way and that, he started to trail her, noticing something off right away; she started walking faster. That’s weird… Liane thought to himself, then, beyond better judgment, cupped his hands around his mouth. “Hey!”
That got him a surprised glance from the girl, her face softening for a split second as their eyes met before she blinked a few times, and then kept walking. Liane blinked a few times himself, frowning just a bit; did that mean that she recognized him? It must have been, the look that she gave was no mistake, but still she kept walking, almost pushing through people in her wake. Was she trying to get away? Somehow that didn’t make any sense to him at first, but as his mind churned around the idea that she was running, he remembered a comment that Finley made the night before.
“Do you know what kind of fit your dad is gonna put up when he finds out you found some foreigner and didn’t surrender her right away?!”
She didn’t look like an elf, but was definitely a foreigner. …And in his own defense, he had never met an elf from the southern continent. Maybe they always had that weird sort of colouring. Still, that didn’t explain why she was so apt to talk to one of the town guards—who would have snatched her up in an instant had he figured out she wasn’t from around there, now that he thought about it. Actually, while he didn’t know them by name, he had seen a majority of the town’s guardsmen on patrol in his time living in Dallan, and couldn’t once recall seeing the older gentleman’s face. A new recruit maybe? That had to have been it. Shaking the strange thought out of his head, he kept his eyes on the girl in the violet cloak, watching her as she made a run for the woods, back toward the docks where he found her. That area dead-ended; he would be able to get to her there. Perhaps help her escape—No, that’s crazy! He yelled at himself, following her through the trees, trying to be as discrete as possible. Unfortunately, it would seem that karma had other plans, and he stepped on a twig, wincing as the dry snap seemed to echo.
The girl stopped, turning quickly, a hand pointed toward her chest, the other held straight out, fair-coloured eyes narrowed. That intimidating expression changed when she saw him standing there, looking genuinely confused, and her face brightened slightly, hands dropping to her sides. “Liane!”
So she did remember him; somehow he couldn’t help but grin foolishly, running a hand absently through his hair. “You’re all right. I was worried!” He laughed, taking a few steps closer, reassured by the fact that she didn’t run off again.
Opening her mouth to say something, she stopped suddenly, hearing the faint sound of wood cracking. He heard it too, and looked behind them toward the lakefront, still unable to be seen through the trees. Still, that sound was very distinct, a tree snapping in two and falling with a cascading crash to the ground. Her head slowly shaking, a look of dread flooding her face, her eyes met with Liane’s. “You need to go.” She said quickly, then broke into a run toward the lake.
“Huh?” It was just a tree, what was she so worried about? Still, the look on her face, the one of pure terror, was what made him continue to follow her, breaking into a full-fledged run, worried about her. He wanted to know what had her so spooked, although it was hard to keep up with her. “Wait! Wait a second!” He called after, stopping in his tracks once he made the clearing, mouth open wide.
Watching it erupt from the lake, blacker than the night itself, the girl stood there in the clearing, hand outstretched toward it. Time almost seemed to move in slow motion as he watched, helplessly, as a strange light erupted from her hand, almost like a web at the strange blob of what looked like tar. Catching the thing in its wake, it threw it against a nearby tree, which came down with a dead crack with one hit. Not taking the time to even look at it, she was moving, walking in large strides, looking around the clearing for something. Liane’s eyes, however, stayed locked on the thing writhing on the ground, trying its best to break free from whatever bonds tied him there, cutting deeper into what looked like its skin, smoking as it bit into flesh; the sound that the thing made was ear-splitting, and he couldn’t help but scream, covering his ears as best as he could. Still, it shook him, and he could feel it vibrating deep through him, that sound of torture and something more than he could describe. His legs starting to move on their own, he wouldn’t have known he was crouched down until then, feeling them bend for him to stand. A second scream joined in a demonic chorus, and he felt himself thrown to the ground, another pair of hands clapping over his own, pressing hard against his skull and somehow distantly he could feel himself struggling. Struggling against the sound, against whatever had thrown itself on top of him. He thrashed about, wanting to get up, wanting to run back toward the town, feeling as if he were losing a hold of himself, his body moving without him telling it to. Feeling those hands that weren’t his shift his head, his eyes stared into another pair, bright blue and endless—the girl from the night before. She was saying something, but he couldn’t hear her, couldn’t focus, the screaming too loud, the primal call of anger he had never known before boiling over, and he struggled to break free from her eyes.
Then, all at once, that shrill, earth-shattering screech dulled, and he finally was able to make out her voice, calm despite the chaos; “Liane, look at me. Listen to me. Don’t let it get in your head! Liane! LIANE!”
He felt his body calm itself, his muscles no longer stinging with the pain that came from that creature’s cry. No longer struggling to get away from her look, his body slackened a little, and he felt as her hands fell away from his ears. His own dropping away as well, he felt something warm running from his nose, and absently he brushed it away with his thumb, looking at it; blood. Staring at it in disbelief—when did his nose start bleeding—he looked up again when she stood up, walking toward where the monster once was, a large burn spot in the ground the only thing left of it. “What’s going on?!” He demanded, his voice shaky and sounding strange in his own head. Just what was that thing and what did she have to do with it? She was trying to capture it? Why? Was… was that thing hers? It was rather convenient that this happened after he found her, and where he found her for that matter. She certainly knew how to snap him out of whatever it seemed to do to him, so obviously she had dealt with something like it before? Standing slowly, watching as she bent down to touch the scorched ground, he shouted this time.
“HEY!”
That got her attention, and she stood, turning toward him with a confused look on her face, eyes faded back to the dull colour that they had been. Oh, so she was going to play dumb with him now? Act as if she didn’t understand? Somehow, that was beginning to seem more and more like a rouse, something to fool him. That monster attacked him for all he could tell, the least that he deserved was answers. Walking toward her, watching her every move—her apprehensive posture, the fact that she couldn’t keep eye contact with him—he was even more convinced that she had something to do with this, whatever this was, and that idea burned at him. “I know you can understand me! What’s going on?! What was that thing?! Something of yours?!”
She couldn’t answer, shaking her head, brow furrowed deeply. “I..” She started, her voice small, confused, fearful even.
He stopped when he heard it however, the strange hiss like a snake, his head turning to the lake in time to see another of the monsters erupt from it, slithering past both of them toward the town. Both of them meeting eyes, hers fearful while his burning, he opened his mouth to bark at her again before hearing someone scream, voice carrying surprisingly well. A cold chill ran down his spine, a sickening feeling hitting him when he heard it.
That voice… “IRIA!”
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Xicrog
Joined: 05 Feb 2007
Posts: 229
Location: With these wings, I'll set the world on fire
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 2:16 am Post subject: |
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Curiouser and curiouser...Urd was the representation of fate in Nordic mythology, right? So what's she doing as a rock? XD And where are the tar-monster-things coming from...? Also, Amazing Disappearing Lass would make an amazing name for a comic book. 8D
The fight scene was awesome. ^_^ I liked Liane's reactions in particular, very understandable and reasonable for a person who's never really faced something that terrifying before.
Conspiracy theories...? I think I'll wait a few chapters before I come to any conclusions. ._. (Now watch as I end up getting even more confused...)
Anyway, you've got me more curious than ever now, so I'm eagerly anticipating the next chapter.
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chocobit
Joined: 07 Mar 2008
Posts: 117
Location: Eternis
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 11:59 pm Post subject: |
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Whee, new logo up, slightly different from the old one. I absolutely love it myself, for the sake of sounding like an egomaniac.
Anyway, Chapter 4 is moving a little slow (as in I haven't started it xD) because of me starting a new job, so I should have it out by Monday at the latest. Also expect to see some new characters filling the main, secondary, and minor character rosters! That's good news for you VAs out there, it gives you something to try out for!
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chocobit
Joined: 07 Mar 2008
Posts: 117
Location: Eternis
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| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 7:48 am Post subject: |
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I know, I said I'd be more diligent. I just started a new job, so adjusting to that is fun. Anyway, chapter 4 (and possibly a surprise) due out on Monday.
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Sakura1106
Joined: 04 Jun 2006
Posts: 4283
Location: ♥ In your heart * Hiding in Minato Namikaze's safe house ♥
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 11:48 pm Post subject: |
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I'll audition for Julia Ossamer. I'll post it later, ne? =D
[edit] Julia~
[edit] That was horrible @__@ I might re-do it..
[edit] Here is version 2
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chocobit
Joined: 07 Mar 2008
Posts: 117
Location: Eternis
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 2:05 am Post subject: |
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Cute, thanks for the audition! I'm gonna wait until I get a little more of the story out to cast her, though. I'll definitely keep you in mind <3
*typetypetype* I love getting bogged down by work xD;
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Sakura1106
Joined: 04 Jun 2006
Posts: 4283
Location: ♥ In your heart * Hiding in Minato Namikaze's safe house ♥
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 2:09 am Post subject: |
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Sure~ That's fine with me~ <3
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Seraph
Joined: 24 Mar 2005
Posts: 19322
Location: Mai laifu
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 7:47 am Post subject: |
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I've only read chapter one so far, but I'll deffinitively read the rest! You write very well, I must say.
Also, expect a VA audition from me.
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Flamzeron
Joined: 18 Jun 2006
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Location: I'm butter than you.
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chocobit
Joined: 07 Mar 2008
Posts: 117
Location: Eternis
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 3:46 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks so much, Seraph! I'm glad you like it so far <3
By all means Flame, go ahead.
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| Chocobit wrote: | | I'll put this next chapter out in a week, I promise! |
She's lying >>; |
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