Let's Play: Hitoduma Sentai Aisaiga FLASH!

[Abicion]

Since the last time I tried this I only half-assed it and created social chaos that resulted in the banning of at least one YouTube account, I will pay for my sins by covering one playthrough through an almost purely text-based Japanese point and click game.





I will play Hitoduma Sentai Aisaiga FLASH.

Hitoduma Sentai Aisaiga FLASH (literally "Married Woman Task Force Aisaiga FLASH", AFLASH for short) was released in May 2008 and is the third H-game of the Aisaiga storyline, following the original Aisaiga and Aisaiga Powered. Like an all-female version of Power Rangers, five women transform into power armor and use giant combining robots to battle Evil Space Aliens(TM Bandai of America). Like Power Rangers, the game is divided into chapters and follows a "Monster of the Day" format. Like Power Rangers, defeating said MotDs (through a wacky Baten Kaitos-type turned-based card sequence, I'll get to that later) results in the happy ending. Unlike Power Rangers, being defeated results in a harsh punishment for the heroines. This ranges from being captured and gratuitously reconditioned into slaves, to being captured and gratuitously reconditioned into alien warriors that help take over the world with their would-be enemies, if they fail too often.

Because of this element of the game, I will be posting an All-Victory runthrough of the game to respect the PG-13 rating of the Video Game Discussion Board. In the event of a pre-scripted adult scene still slipping through, I will replace that scene with a random but equivalent and Tales-friendly video in its place. This will be from a list of PG/PG-13 videos already pre-approved by a committee composed entirely of me and whiskey_tango_foxtrot.

And now the game begins.





The company logo, which I'm almost certain takes its name as a homage to the Discovery Channel, as both have a knack for glorifying the mating habits of humans and non-humans alike. This game certainly brings excitement right away with some EXTREME TIMES NEW ROMAN.





And ... the title screen? Already? You're taking up two freaking gigs on my harddrive, there's no reason you shouldn't have a short, Saturday morning anime-inspired fancy opening sequence.

Well, at least an instrumental version of the theme song is playing here.





And this is what we're greeted with upon starting a new game. I should probably take this moment to bring up that I have absolutely grip whatsoever on the written Japanese language, so I'll be filling in many of these things with crafty educated guesses based on my vast nerd knowledge of Power Rangers and its infinite parodies. In this case, since I've done a little playthrough ahead of time, I can tell you that the top option translates to "Start the game from the beginning," while the second roughly means "Start the game from a random action sequence about 15 minutes into the story, assuming you read at a leisurely pace and ignoring that this makes absolutely no difference whatsoever when Japanese visual novels of any genre usually take the length of the Triassic Period to complete."

Since many of my readers are completely new to this game, I will be taking the former. And now Jimbob will celebrate finally finding a game with his weird YOUR CHOICES MAKE THE STORY thing.





Somewhere in the rainy desert, we are introduced to the main villain of this game. With his evil hair, his evil hand gestures, and his evil Japanese-monk-staff-with-the-little-loops-on-it-that-clang-around-thing ... Cyclopsis will try and take over the world!









Well that was pointless. I mean, why would you put a Sailor Moon-inspired title bump in Sentai Hentai? That's just silly.





DRIVAN GAMES.

The storyline now shifts to the utterly useless male narrator-character in the non-evil, civilized world. Note how he actually has a little figurine keychain of his wife and the main heroine of the game hanging from his freaking rearview mirror. He owns all of this character's merchandise, AND is married to her. HE IS THE GREATEST OTAKU EVER; THAT IS SUGOI AND KAWAII~~~~~~~~*breaks the keyboard*





WHAT THE GOD HOLY CHRIST WHAT IS IT THERE'S AN ALIEN ATTACKING ME AND IT'S RAPING ME. FIVE MINUTES INTO THIS GAME AND I'M BEING RAPED. IT'S RAPING ME AND IT HURTS. TANGO GET THE ASTLEY LINK READY THERE'S AN INAPPROPRIATE SCENE COMING UP.





Wait, what?






Awww, the little guy just wants to chat with me.






He's really pretty harmless. He's actually a lot like me: He talks too much and nobody who speaks the English language can understand him.

Just goes to show you that not every bizarre alien creature wants to tentacle rape everybody just because it's an H-game.






Back at home, we meet the aforementioned waifu. I'll get to covering the rest of the characters when **** goes down and It's Morphin Time. Don't worry though, because quite frankly I've been holding the Enter key bypassing around ten minutes of script for the past 30 seconds, and not a damn thing has transpired.

As for this lovely jewel, you can tell that she's retired from her crimefighting ways and settled down to start a family. That or she recently ate the missing cast of Choujuu Sentai Liveman.






Blah blah blah. Wife. Nighttime. Bed nearby. Ah, okay. I see where you're going with this.




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GWlbsai8xk

Random consentual sex with no plot purpose whatsoever? What are you, some sort of Wal-Mart dollar bin novel?






The next morning ... BABBY IS GONE! Look's like Goldclopsis is up to his usual magic tricks. It's M-






-orph-






-in TIIIIIIIIIIIIII- (god damn why don't they just wait for Namek to explode while they're at it)






It's at this point that we're introduced to the villains' completely inconspicuous main hideout. This pretty much confirms that the deal Discovery wrote out and the two sides agreed upon amounted to "If the good guys get Super Suits and Zords, the bad guys get Talpa's m*********ing Castle from Ronin Warriors."

The fact Rita did basically the same thing during the actual Cyclopsis Arc in MMPR may or may not also have something to do with this.





Cyclopsar's first subordinate, Pudgy Pig!

Seriously, I really wish they were making this harder.





-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME.

thank god

Team's here, now the roll call.





Introducing first, the leaders of the Aisaiga team and main heroines of the story, coming out of retirement to save the world again and get their babby back, Tommy and Jason!

What's that? You only see one person in the picture? Think about it, duhrhuhrhuhrhuhrhuhr.





The only thing bigger than her butt are the jet verniers she stole from a Gundam and attached to it: Samantha McCheeky!





The most reliable laser-blasting nun (yes this is actually her civilian gimmick) when Philia isn't around: Elvis!





Pretty and pink and fighting for flat chests everywhere, Omega Loli!





You're looking good for a man who died five years ago, AbareKiller!






PAID FOR BY BRUCE KALISH

I'm actually kind of sad nobody here is going to get that. ;( Maybe I'll post it to Rangerboard some day for epic lulz.





Censored because Scorpina over here is going all Janet Jackson in her armor design. sorry gaiz.

Anyway, here's this episode's battle. Before I get to the battle system I was talking about, pay attention to how I, Gurenken Abicion, am so ridiculously awesome that I have a button to automatically win every single fight in this game despite only playing it for the first time. I'm just that good, and I like to protect the ladies.

This has nothing to do with the fact that I downloaded a 100% save patch from a Japanese site before I started playing.





Basically you're given a deck of character-based attack cards. Using that skill turns your avatar into that character (Red by default, as shown here), but everyone shares the same health bar. Enemy counterattacks are fairly standard, but become increasingly powerful. Your turn ends when you run out of energy for using the cards or manually press the Turn End button. You can rearrange your deck between each Episode. If you don't plot your moves right, you get raped and ... uh, get raped. This particular initial fight actually results in a pretty brutal immediate BAD END if you lose, thus I'm going back to use that Victory button you saw earlier atm btw fyi because normally I just button mash at this part. That's not to say that I don't button mash during all the text parts, but- oh screw it.





Yeah! You fail, Scorpfaila! Tommy will now melt your and my brains alike with nonsensical squeaky Moonspeak!

Which brings to mention, the main girl is significantly higher-pitched than the loli, who takes the role of only Second Mouse. Let that one boggle your mind for a while.





**** YEAH! Let's take out the whole bad guy team while they're on the run, right here and now, with our Temporarily Power-Up Costumes: A sentai staple since 2003's Bakuryu Sentai Abaranger!





Well damn. The aliens got Temporarily Power-Up Costume-Jammers (hereby TPC-Jammers).



BUT DO OUR GIRLS HAVE TPC-JAMMER CANCELLERS? FIND OUT NEXT EPISODE, TALESFORUM!

NEXT AISAI TIME, NEXT AISAI CHANNEL!
_________________
SOON.

[Pete]

That was atually brilliant.

but i don't have a **** clue what's happening
_________________

[CovertSushi]

Why are you doing this for an H-game?
_________________

[MasterT]

That was pretty good.

Let's hope you make it farther than the Codex one.
_________________

[Abicion]

[Slider]

I liked it. Will wait for more.

[CovertSushi]

[Charlie]

I'm trying not to vomit all over my keyboard.
_________________

[Abicion]

[Zacewing]

That was brilliant.
_________________

[Mr Blobby]

[Taiyz]

This is just a big notice that Abicion wants us all to go download the CG Set.
_________________

Dr Pepper.
It's an intellectual drink, for the chosen ones.

[Skythe]

My god, the cleavage
_________________

[12/4/2009 10:59:17 PM] thingrue: skythe did you routinely huff paint thinner as a child

[Abicion]

[Abicion]

EPISODE 2: THE SECOND EPISODE.



As you may recall, we left our heroes in a dire situation at the end of the series premiere.





what.

Oh, my bad. Wrong folder.





Still wrong. Getting closer, though.





Goddammit I'm not even on the right harddrive.





There we go. Again, due to the nature of this game, I am occassionally forced to manually censor some screenshots. Unfortunately, this means you can't have the sexy since it could potentially corrupt the minds of the youts of Talesforum.





"The whaaa..?"





The youts of Talesforum, your honor.






"Did you say 'youts'?"






Yeah, man. Why, is there a problem with that?





"Don't you mean 'youths?'"





Vsdijfpoasjdposapshadosahkljdshakldjdlfjhsdlfkg. Again, my apologies. You can't have the sexy because it could corrupt the minds of the youths of Talesforum. Damn these interruptions are killing me.

ANYWAAAY...





Will we get our armor upgrades back?







NOPE WE'RE SCREWED (not literally, though ... yet.)





Well this sucks. BACK TO ALLY HQ, GAIZ






The good news is, Zordon has found a way to exist outside of his cryogenic tube to better assist and guide the troubled Rangers.

The bad news is, his temporary body must be of an overweight Japanese man with bad fashion sense.





Again, I have no idea what the hell this is all about, so I'm going to assume Jason is proposing for everybody to return to their normal civilian lives and conserve their power only for fighting random monsters so Zordon and Alpha-chan (more on her later) can figure out a way to attack the aliens directly. How original.





It's at this point that we're introduced to the secondary gimmick of this Choose Your Adventure story: The game itself is divided into chapters, and each chapter covers roughly one day. This is then sub-divided into Morning, Day, and Evening arcs, which the MotD typically attacks at the end of. At the beginning of each arc, you're given the choice of hanging out with / stalking one of the five heroines or skipping the arc completely (I guess it's assumed you waste your time making stupid Let's Play threads on internet messageboards in place of developing a social life in that case, idunno). Anyway, from what I understand, whoever you choose for an arc only seems to affect getting certain character-centric endings, which I have no interest in at this point as I'm trying to get a swift, noncomplex default runthrough out of the way.

That being said, **** you





**** you





and **** you.






Wait, why am I following Meteor Loli around? She wasn't even a choice for the Evening Arc!






'sup guy from Tsukihime?






As seductive as ever, Tsukihiguy. I see where you're going with this setting. You're going to ...






... reveal your identity as Spider-Man? Okay, I guess I don't see where you're going with this






Evidently these guys have the ability to immediately know when a teammate is being attacked by a monster and instantly arrive on the scene. Yes, every MotD battle in this game follows this "logic." Your guess is as good as mine.






Y'know what? Screw these alien people, I think the real villain here is Atomic Loli's hair. I mean






LOOK AT IT.






Remember how I said I was just going to auto-win all of these to speed things up and avoid H-Scenes?






**** IT LET'S DO THIS WOOOOO






At this point it occurs to be how ridiculously epic some of the music in this game is. One of the battle themes sounds like something Motoi Sakuraba would compose after being asked to combine the Buffy the Vampire theme song with the music for Mute City from the F-Zero series.





I AM GOD.





What are Elvis and Cheeky all freaked out about? I won, dammit.






Oh, her.






Dammit she's beating up all of my d00dz.






Tommy's sad. She had to kill Peter ****ing Parker and still doesn't have her babby back.





But cheer up becauseOH GOD THAT THING IS HUGE






dammit how did I do it again...

Okay, just checked. I'm not in my Gundam SEED folder this time. Rau Le Creuset is actually in this game.






Like I said earlier, Alpha-chan. She called me (that useless narrator guy) into the Command Center and started babbling away in Moonspeak. Judging by her expression, I'm guessing she's telling me that Zordon hasn't found a solution yet and I have to keep getting nowhere fighting Monsters of the Day indefinitely. WHAT A SHOCK.






Yeah. No.





Well that didn't take long. Without any buildup whatsoever, Streetlightboy makes his debut!





**** YEAH! Disguise Pen!





... and that solved nothing. I want to beat this guy, not treat him to a view of my character stripped down to her seemingly magnetic g-string.





Yeah, thanks to this game's ingenius battle options.






When failing to defeat a MotD, you're given the option of which Aisaiger to leave behind to keep the monster, uh ... "occupied" while the others regroup to kill the monster with their group attack. It's basically a excuse to have separate character-centric hentai scenes. Sisters in arms certainly look out for one another, I guess.

Since I have to pick one, I'm going take AbareKiller to the sacrificial altar. There's something seriously wrong with a girl when she has the pilot of Providence Gundam for a butler.




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMwdAc1Dzfg

OH THAT'S NOT KOSHER.







Some people smoke after sex. This guy grows to the size of a skyscaper.





And here's the Megazord. For the unholy bastard child of three-way sex between Starscream, Freedom Gundam (built by the butler, I guess), and Gurren Lagann with breasts, it's actually pretty cool. It had its own separate theme song in the previous game, but here it's just got some generic BGM crap.

Baibai Monster of the Day-kun.




Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunsss.

With the previous threat dealt with, Elvis returns to the habit. I told you I wasn't joking about her career choice.





Back in Talpa's castle, Scorpina and Sephiroth (another primary villain I haven't mentioned yet; he's a vampire and wears a Kabuki mask) plot ... something.





It's another damn monster. Oh you guys certainly are trying hard with this.

With the (predictable) Card Battle victory over the panda-thing, I'm faced with ..






lolwut

And Freedomscream Lagann takes care of it in a scripted scene. Imagine that.






Next up ... The Satanic Baker!












Is the cake a lie? Tune in next time to find out!
_________________
SOON.