Feedback? (: [For school... blehh]

[NerdyKidNickerson]

Okay, so my teacher decides to pull out a 1 500 word story on us, that we have to complete in a week or so, and she comes up to me and a friend of mine and says "Oh girls~" (She's like a little kid sometimes...) "I know you two looove to write, so you guys can go over the limit if you want! I know there are alot of people who probably won't even go past 700 words! Hmp! Well, I'm expecting big from you two!~ n.n"

We were like "-_- f*** you Mrs. E." and started writing the same story. Heh. So we decided to have our characters be twins with some kick butt magic skills. But hey! Our male besty couldn't be left out! so the problem in the story was that he got through some fancy shmancy barrier- WAIT. Why am I telling you this now?

Here's what I have so far~ (:


6:45 am is way too early for me.

Flirting with desire,
All her youthful years,
Always gazing into the mirror,
Trying to pick up the pieces,
Her shattered life often brings,
Time has aged her well beyond her years,
Crushed deeply by fate,
She pleaded with the mirror,
To, please, let her beauty shine,
Sound came from her cursed lips,
Mirror mirror,
You don't have to be cruel,
Tell me I'm beautiful,
Oh, please make it true,
Tell me that I'm worth it,
Every once and awhile,
Make me feel loved,
Come on now,
Let's start with the smile,
Brighten up my day,
When I'm feeling down,
Please, mirror please,
This is all that I ask,
Oh, how could you turn down,
Such a small task,
I've asked you for nothing but this,
Please mirror, grant my wish,
The mirror simply cracked,
Right down the middle,
A young beauty on one side,
An elder woman on the other,
But only with the right one,
Will her true self be revealed.

This was only one of the many poems my sister has wrote, this one about our mother. Always gazing into the mirror, trying to pick up the pieces; my favourite line. Semper in speculum intuens, Colligere conatus artus. Whenever I translate it to our language, it makes me feel much more powerful.

I looked around in my room. My bed wasn't yet made, I'll do it after. There were some clothes on the floor, they aren’t hurting anyone. My desk was cluttered, heck, I knew what was where. The mirror across the room from my bed had a scarf wrapped around the top. I gingerly unraveled the black silk scarf from the mirror, revealing my reflection.

The first things I see are my eyes. I looked at them as they stared back at me. One of them crimson red, the other vibrant yellow with a lime greenish tinge. I sighed at my distinct eyes and tried to focus else where. I grabbed my comb, and brushed out my long brown curly hair but I couldn't stop noticing my eyes. Semper in speculum intuens, Colligere conatus artus. I sighed, thinking they'd be normal to me now. I've had them for 16 years, people have stared at them for 16 years, and I’ve hated them for 16 years. Honestly, I don't know why I dislike my eyes so much; I'm not the only one why has to deal with eye colour abnormality. My twin sister, Venatrix, also has to deal with it, even though she takes it easier than me. Her eyes are silver and gold.

I dropped the comb back on my vanity, loosely tied the black scarf around my neck and threw my yellow coat on. Today was my turn to guard the barrier that separates our world from the outside. Vena and I have been taking turns watching over it since we were about 14 years old, when we discovered our powers. Yes, my sister and I together are the most powerful people in our town; Commemorare. We hold the power of seasons, which explain the eyes. My red and yellow eyes represent summer and spring, fire and wind, as for Venatrix, her silver and gold eyes stand for winter and fall, water and earth. Together, we are time, and with great power comes great responsibilities, for example-

“Anima…” I jumped at the cold voice. It was Venatrix calling for me, still in her pajamas, still half asleep outside my door.

“Vena, go back to sleep! It’s still early-” I stopped myself and looked at the clock. 7:30. “Damn.” I said to myself, and looked at my sister. She looked a lot like me, asides the fact that she was a tad bit taller than me, and that her hair was darker and has less of a red tinge to it than mine.

“Today’s Wednesday, its past seven o’clock, and you’re still here? Do I need to be on your back every morning?” Vena glared at me, she was dead serious.

I felt my face turn red, I couldn’t help being late for things, I just don’t know why. “I-I was just leaving!” I snapped back to her, and grabbed my sword holster. “See you later.” I said while quietly walking past her. I seen her roll her eyes out of the corner of my own as I walked out of our small house.

The dew on the grass shined off of the rising sun, and over the ocean. That’s right! Ocean-front property. I gazed upon the glimmering water, then onto the tower in the middle of the view, reaching up to the sky. Commemorare is the most powerful in all the seven kingdoms. If you look at it on a bird's eye view, the way the land and sea looks, it's like a perfect crescent moon. And in the curve of that moon is a tall tower bearing a gem at the top. I've never been in it before, but my parents have. It’s said that that tower is where the Gods and Goddesses reside. My mother and father have been there once or twice, but never to the top. They told me that there’s a locked door, protected by a barrier. Stuff like that, no one but the League of Deaeque knows how to crack… Well, that’s a lie. You see-

Smack. A blunt object came flying out of nowhere. I looked around the nearby forest, no one there… I then glanced by the house. A window was open, and pale blue curtains were flapping in the wind. The hard thing that hit me appeared to look like a loaf of stale bread. Then it dawned on me.

“Vena! You don’t have to throw stuff at me! I’m going! Sheesh…” I rubbed my head, and began to quickly walk the opposite way from the sea, towards the barrier. The last thing I want was a concussion from my sister’s cooking.

Looking out to the distance, the barrier was soon in view, becoming closer and more detailed in each swift step. In Commemorare, the scenery is legendary; a thousand times better than any of the other kingdoms. It is the only one that has the benefit of the vibrant wall protecting us against the outside realm. If any creature from out there ever managed to get in here, no one knows what would happen, which is why Venatrix and I always do our best to protect the wall. We’re not really the kind of people to take risks when it comes to the city, although we do tend to fool around a little… Sometimes when we’re really desperate for a thrill, we’ll use our gift of tempora (seasons) together, and do a little bit of hocus-pocus, then voila. One afternoon of excitement for the Mortem sisters. That there, is something I can not explain right away, for I don’t even know how it works.

Closer and closer I came to the Magna Claustra, which separates Commemorare from the outside world where the humans dwell. I knew the dangers of being near it; mom never stopped reminding us about them. There was always the chance of some giant beast, or a bad person attacking us, blah. I noticed something different in the wall of the barrier, and drew the small sword. The normal pale blue look to it seemed to have faded in a spot. I proceeded closer to the hole, and began to check it’s flaws.

“Uhh, excuse me?” said a voice from behind me. I turned around to see a boy, about my age sitting on the grass next to the Magna Claustra. “Where am I? What’s goin-“

“Ahh! Who are you?!” I don’t know how I didn’t see him in the first place, but I turned the blade to him anyway. “How did you get in here?!” I nearly yelled at the boy, who looked as pale as a ghost.

“I could ask you the same! Where is this place?!” he yelled back at me, and slowly stood up. He winced in pain, and staggered back. I looked him over from a distance, trying to figure out why he was hurt, and just when I was going to knock him out to potentially save myself, he passed out on his own and fell back to the long green grass.

“Uh-oh...” I quietly said to myself, and kneeled down to his level and dropped my sword. I finally got to get a look at him. From when he was standing, he looked a couple inches taller than me. His pale skin clashed against the dark brown tones in the boy’s hair. I dropped everything, picked the mysterious boy up, -which was a breeze for me- and started to sprint back in the direction of my house.

Back at the house, my sister was in the shower, so I laid the boy down on the couch, and started to check him over once again for wounds. He had purple and brown bruises all over his arms and legs, and his ears and nose were red, completely contrasting his close to white skin tone.

“You must be cold…” I whispered to the inattentive human. I took my eyes away from him momentarily to grab a blanket from a chair, and threw it over him.




(Btw, there's a bunch of Latin in it.)

I'd appriciate as much feedback as possible~ Thank youuu n.n
_________________


To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and
don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest

[Nuit]

Hello! I've been meaning to review this for a while, but school has been evil.

First off, I really like this. Imma concentrate on some grammar stuff individually and then talk about the piece as a whole.

[NerdyKidNickerson]

Hey Nuit~ Thank you for your opinion, and I used all of your feedback, and added some more onto it! When it's done, I'll post it back here. n_n

Also,

[Nuit]