Tales of the Abyss: The Sarcasm Playthrough

Matthias · Last edited by Matthias on Sat Aug 25, 2007 11:20 pm; edited 1 time in total

So, we start our delightful descent into anime hell…errr, I mean visit to the world of Auldrant by watch the obligatory opening/demo movie thing before the title screen loads up. We watch some flying rowboat, which my definitive knowledge of all things RPG tells me is the airship, or that the creators of this game were hitting the secret cocaine stash even before work on this game started. Probably both.

We zoom into closer to the airship, to see a young man who had been apparently standing on top of the moving airship. How he managed to stand on an airship as it did a barrel roll, we’ll never know. How he managed to stay standing on that airship at all, we’ll never know. How his hair managed to stay perfect the whole time, we can only assume it to be crap loads of hair products. This is an ominous portending, seeing as one of our heroes is fire breathing.

So, either in an attempt to show he is an extreme sports junkie or to end his pitiful life, our hero jumps off of the airship. In mid flight. With no parachute. I pray my impressionable younger brother doesn’t get ideas from this. We find that their happen to be random monsters flying around in this bottomless chasm, but our hero shows he has the ability to draw a sword and split monsters down the middle while falling at incredible speed. Physics apparently does not apply to him.

Our scene cuts to our hero in a courtyard in a lame-o jumpsuit, being owned by some older dude with holy crap bushy eyebrows. The eyebrows take up half his face, and scare the crap out of me.

Another scene change, and we’re in some castle hall, as servants unveil their pretty pretty princess and does a pretty pretty princess hair flip.

Scene change again, and a blond swordsman is flipping his sheathed around before shoving it in his waistband. Because flipping around a sheathed sword is going to become vitally important for his survival is battle. Who the hell needs a blade when you can do that?

We shift back to our hero, who is now behind bars. Apparently the sky cops got him for defying the laws of physics in the earlier scene we saw. But what’s this? Our hero appears to be getting one mondo headache, and—Holy crap! Somebody get that boy some Advil!

So, we shoot back to some girl in pink with a furry thing on her head. Besides her hair, Mr. Smarty Pants in the back row. The furry blue thingy leaps off her head, while a guy in glasses looks on. Suddenly, the monsters of the forest arrive on the scene, wanting revenge for their friends who were killed by Mr. Physics Law Defyer. Luckily, Sword Flip Guy and Pretty Pretty Princess have arrived on the scene to help. Princess takes out three monsters with one arrow, while Sword Flip chops three in half with one blow. I smile in glee at this, but then frown, as I realize I’m never going to be able to do this cool stuff in-game. It’ll take me at least three sword slices to kill even a freakin’ toothpick.

The carnage isn’t over for these poor monsters, though. The pink girl suddenly pulls some demented plushie she probably picked up at an anime convention, only to have the thing grow to gargantuan size. Despite this doll being made of fluffy material, its strikes are sending monsters flying like the soldiers in that one scene from the first Lord of the Rings. You know, the first ten minutes of the movie where you thought the movie might actually be able to hold your interest. But no matter. The guy with glasses decides now is a good time to one-up everyone. He does this by making a spear appear out of nowhere, and finding the sole monster that happens to be an explosive balloon. One spear toss later, and the thing just explodes. Owie.

We cut scene to the floating rowboat again, only this time our hero seems to have use his uber migraine powers to break out of jail…and make his hair shorter. And look, now we how he got away from jail! He had a getaway driver…whoa. A smokin’ getaway driver, too. She does a hair flip, just like Pretty Pretty Princess, except having longer hair than Princess, hers actually works. I remove the strand of drool hanging from my mouth. They look at each other, and immediately my RPG sensors detect a love story.

We decide to cut to scene where Pretty Pretty Princess and Physics Defiance Man are surrounded by soldiers, and stupidly have decided not to have their weapons on them. Smokin’ Driver watches the scene, and holds her hand out to Physics Defiance Man, signifying once again that she probably has the hots for him. (LukeXTear fans may now opt to scream.)

A few more scene cuts, some dude with light coming out of his back, some girly man’s face, and we see Physics Defiance Man facing off against another Physics defiance man. They start doing kung fu flips and what not, culminating in our hero completely disregarding laws of reality, and running up a sheer wall. Again, I wonder if the wonderful staff of this game hade a secret crank stash when working on the game. Our hero decides launching himself off the wall and slamming into his rival sword first is a good idea. Swords clash, and LOGICALLY, this causes the ground below them to crumble to nothing, and magical purple lines to shoot out everywhere. Again, this is all completely normal. No question.

We get a shot of some big stately ship, and we FINALLY see our title.

For purposes of this mockery, which I choose to put on paper, you may know this as:

TALES OF THE ABYSS: THE SARCASM PLAYTHROUGH.
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Curimuch · Joined: 13 Feb 2007 Posts: 17662

Obligatory first post!

I'm so following this, Matthias. I can't wait to see you actually get into the story...I bet you'll make the begining funny.
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sistaofpeace1 · Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 5:40 am Post subject:

SECOND!

Great stuff, and I'll be following this as well. XD
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ladynadiad · Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 6:03 am Post subject:

I was laughing so hard it took me a bit before I could even post!

I look forward to the next part Smile

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Hikaryu · Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 87 Location: Beside Tear.

This has been fun.
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xReplica · Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 10:54 am Post subject:

AWWW!! i only got about 6th post!!
Though this story is gonna be brillment so it dont realy matter!
cant wait 2 see wot you come up with!! Very Happy

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Anko · Joined: 12 Oct 2006 Posts: 2553

I hope nobody tries to jump off a plane after seeing this. good stuff.
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Isenet · Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 12:41 pm Post subject:

*eye twitch...eye twitch*
*bursts out laughing*

Oh...wait...we're NOT supposed to be able to jump from planes, go down approximately 10 miles or more down to the ground while slashing at random lizard things etc. with a sword, hair flying in the wind, to land on the ground and be beaten by some guy with a goatee and bushy eyebrows because we're using a wooden training sword that can somehow kill a fully armored soldier about an hour and a half to three hours into the actual story?

Shoot...I better call the Physics police to pick me up >_>
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Rain Ýdalir · Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 9:23 pm Post subject:

Great stuff. XDDD

Isenet · Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 12:56 am Post subject:

Hrm...That's an EXCELLENT point! ...I just looked at the video because of that and, when you watch Luke flying down, you can easily see the lighter tinge of hair at the end of his...hair...

And the person fighting Van doesn't have the light hair tinge...

Please Consider the Following *initiate Bill Nye pose*:
http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l99/Isenet_2006/ex1.jpg
http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l99/Isenet_2006/ex2.jpg
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ladynadiad · Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 1:23 am Post subject:

Only thing is, I always found the idea a bit odd, as whoever that is looks older than 10, which is the oldest Asch could be in that scene

Plus the manga draws him at that age with shortish hair *points to avatar* not long hair.
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sistaofpeace1 · Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 2:23 am Post subject:

Exhile87 · Joined: 06 Sep 2006 Posts: 463 Location: Christchurch, NZ

Lol, an interesting decription of the opening. ^_^ And I actually never thought of the possiblity that the boy sparring with Van was Asch...
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Rain Ýdalir · Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 3:17 am Post subject:

Yeah, I know, that's the only thing -- whoever that is there does not look ten years old o_O ... but look at this picture I took, too:

http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=67imf45

Throughout the game, there's absolutely no doubt that Asch is right-handed and Luke is left-handed. One can clearly see the hair colour difference as well. So... <.<

EDIT: Isenet, Asch has a gradient-thing going on with his hair too, except that it becomes darker crimson. I guess maybe, with both of them, it starts becoming darker/lighter when it reaches a certain length? o_O
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this is pretty rad

ladynadiad · Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 3:53 am Post subject:

Honestly, in that pic, he's using the sword with both hands at that point, and while I admit, me being right handed, if I was going to handle a sword two handed, my right hand likely would be lower than my left, but who knows, it could be the other way around in their style.

And now I am going to shut up, cause this isn't meant to be a debate on colors or hands or anything like that Smile

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